Monday, March 7, 2011

I've Been Living in a Denial

I was on an identity crisis. Well you know, in teenage years, you're prone to those kind of stuff. It was stressful, and everything you do just don't seem right. Everything I do seemed to be a denial- of things. And the worst was, because of the running-from-reality stuff, I gained weight. How? Because that's what I do, when I'm running away from something, I eat.

But I'm very glad that is now all over. Well at least I hope so, last year I think I was in a identity crisis too, but it took me longer to realize that I was at stake. But last year was much more-so much more. I don't want to talk to you about that. Anyway, this year I was on an identity crisis for around five months. But the climax is first month and the last month (just before now). The rest of it was not so bad (that's why it's really different from last year) but I know it's a denial. I knew it was a denial, but I didn't know what to do, and I didn't know what was it from. That's why it is and identity crisis.

And this is what brought me, to be someone, what ended my identity crisis

Yes, him. Last night I heard this song on the radio and- I felt the feeling I use to feel. It was the best- the happiest or, you know, you name it. It's not just that it was also the sex dream I had tonight (but more to that later). And it struck me why I left those lifestyle (P.S. this was Kurt's favourite song)
1. It got me into much trouble.
2. I was abandoned by a friend.

I had the biggest doubt of my life last night. Not to mention I'm the "can't decide" type. Would the trouble I'll get into is going to be worth it? But then, I just realized that the trouble I had was caused by the friend who abandoned me. I could just be back to the lifestyle but still avoid some trouble. Mostly, everything I did has been a denial of him-my friend. What if my life would not be in order like it was anymore? What about my grades? Denial. It was all a nothing but a denial. I was so uptight and it was a denial, I didn't  know what to do so I studied a lot and it was a denial. It was all a denial! Denial, denial, denial. I've been living in a denial and I hated it. So I want this to end, now.

I want to be what I used to be, and this starts now. I want to be as carefree, apathetic, cool, and 'don't give a fuck' like I used to. I want some friends to get wasted in front of a small minimarket or behind someone's house like we used to. So this is what I am now, what I used to be. And I don't want to run away from it ever. I don't want to deny this again, the things that I love. I don't give a shit- this world is so full of bullshit anyway.

I live and breathe grunge. and I'm glad to say it again.

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